Mike Brown Is So Poor He Has No Middle Name

Just one of the fascinating asides in this transcript of court testimony (.pdf) given by Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown.

Really, it’s a laff riot, at least for the first few pages. The Enquirer sums up the boring financial details here, but leaves out all the really juicy stuff.

Like: Brown has no middle name. Not even an initial. Well, Mike, I’m glad to tell you that over the years, Bengals fans have given you a middle initial! It’s “F.”

I can’t for the life of me think of what “F” might stand for, can you?

Brown can perhaps be forgiven for not knowing of this largess on the part of his team’s rabid fans, as he admits that he’s “not very adept” at the internet since it “came after him.” And at 72, there’s a a lot of things that have come after Mike, so perhaps that helps explain why the Bengals are mired in the past.

In one comforting note for all the fans, Brown reveals that his legendary tighfistedness extends, at least somewhat, to family. While Mike himself has enjoyed an annual bonus of at least $1 million every year since 1991, none of the family has gotten any extra coin. Nada for Pete Brown, Paul Brown, Troy Blackburn or Katie Blackburn.

Katie, he says specificially, has never been “bonused.” Poor girl. Troy needs to get on the ball here.

More fun facts: Mike is no longer really a lawyer. Lawyers have to endure regular tests to retain certification, and Brown found keeping up with those tests “too burdensome” because of all the “football guy” things he was doing. Y’know, like sucking year in and year out. Takes work, lemme tell ya.

And then there’s this crowning gem, in response to what Katie’s title is: