The NFL regular season is almost here and that means it's time for Defector's "Why Your Team Sucks" series to ramp up. For those unfamiliar with "Why Your Team Sucks", it's a series that goes through all 32 NFL teams and discusses just that... why the team in question sucks. It doesn't matter if the team won the whole dang thing or finished dead last in the standings; no one is safe from the criticism.
The Cincinnati Bengals had their turn on Wednesday and zero punches were pulled. Drew Magary put together the Bengals' edition of the popular Defector series.
As is the case with all of the "Why Your Team Sucks", a recap is given from the previous season, then Magary moves on to the head coach and quarterback of the team. From there, we have "What's new that sucks", "What's always sucked", "What might not suck" and then a section of fan-submitted ramblings.
Before we dive into everything, I want to remind everyone that these write-ups are very mean-spirited. If you're not the kind of person that can laugh at/with your team, perhaps this is not the series for you.
All right, with that disclaimer out of the way, let's dive in.
Latest ‘Why Your Team Sucks’ piece doesn’t go easy on Bengals
We won't spend too much time on the recap of the 2025 season because we all lived it and no one wants to relive it. So, onto the head coach section! Oh boy... This should be fun...
"Any other franchise would have fired Zac Taylor five minutes into his tenure. But because the Bengals are cheaper than Spencer's Gifts, they're gonna let Taylor coach out the entirety of his contract," Magary wrote.
It's no secret that Bengals fans are more than done with Zac Taylor but, at the same time, aren't surprised that he's still the head coach of this team. The Bengals did reach a Super Bowl with Taylor as their head coach and, as soon as that happened, he earned himself at least another half decade with the organization. We're past that limit at this point though.
Next up is the quarterback position! Surely, Magary won't have anything mean to say about our beloved Joe Burrow, right?
Wrong.
"It's been five years since Burrow took this team to the Super Bowl, and you and I both know that represents the apex of his time in the Queen City. He'll never win a title with the Bengals," Magary wrote.
Unfortunately, what Magary is saying here hits hard. The further away the Bengals get from that infamous Super Bowl loss to the Rams, the less likely it feels that Burrow will be able to get them back there. It’s not necessarily his fault, but it’s still a painful reminder for this fan base each time another team hoists the Lombardi Trophy and the Bengals’ Super Bowl drought continues.
Now, onto the "What's new that sucks" segment. Magary fixated on the Bengals adding Dexter Lawrence to the defense in a move that shocked even the biggest of Bengals fans. He doesn't seem all that convinced the Lawrence trade and other defensive additions will pan out in Cincinnati's favor, however.
"Would you believe that owner Mike Brown actually signed off on this team doing s*** to fix their defense during the offseason? I'm as blown away as you are, trust me," Magary wrote. "I'm just excited to watch RedZone peek in on this defense when it blows a three-touchdown lead for the ninth week in a row."
Bengals fans lived that scenario the past few years so hopefully that's not what plays out in 2026. No more blown leads please!
The "What has always sucked" segment basically just slams the organization for the way the players behave on the field, using Ja'Marr Chase spitting on Jalen Ramsey as a prime example. Magary also dunks on the history of the franchise being cheap.
Bengals fans hope that 2026 is finally the year that this team overcomes its biggest obstacles and can get to -- and win -- the Super Bowl. Magary doesn't seem to believe that can happen for this franchise but hey, it's anyone's game, right? Why not the Bengals? Prove 'em wrong, boys.
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